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I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve it, but lately, I seem to be inundated with people asking me to become an influencer.
Me!
Hilarious.
As a kid, I was the impressionable one. I wore the clothes that my peers wore rather than go my own way. Testament to this is the cringeworthy photo’s of me in football tops and a shell-suit. My choice of car was the same when I learned to drive. In fact, it is difficult for me to think of many things that I owned before turning forty that I’d actively decided to get on my own. All before social media too.
My wife tells me that, when I’m left to my own devices, I wear shit clothes, don’t shave and generally look homeless because I’m that unkempt. Sadly, this is all true. I remember the day our relationships’ early magic melted as she held up my go to, oversized Gap hoody and declared, ‘Can we throw this out? I hate it.’ The gates opened and 99% of the clothes I owned were ridiculed and removed from the premises shortly thereafter.
Swear words ahoy
But, now, it’s a brave new world. The people crazy enough to follow me on social media are fickle. I mean, one week, I am flavour of the month with practically every porn bot out there, but the next, even they’ve moved on. I might get a few more followers from some new work that goes out there from time to time, but I don’t feed my social regularly. If it were a pet, it would have died a long time ago. So, how can I influence someone? Anyone?! I mean, even Tim Coronel has stopped trying to get me to follow him on Twitter and he follows EVERYONE!
I understand that I, and others, have not been given jobs because we didn’t have enough followers. I think the person brand marketeers actually want is Jesus. Can’t see him making a 30 second clip though showing how cool he is wearing his [BRANDED] watch, drinking his [BRANDED] drink in his meticulously ornate [SPONSORED] location.
I can’t influence anyone. Ever. Fact. There, I’ve said it.
I’ve asked brands before if they have data showing a direct correlation between an influencer and the stratospheric rise in their bottom line because of using them. Only my own silence at fashion when in the presence of my wife is as quiet as the response.
I can’t promise to get you followers, increase your engagement, website traffic or help you win wank word bingo at your next marketing meeting.
But I can help you sell your product that will net you good old fashioned money. I’ve been doing it for over 25 years.
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